Like two ships passing in the night... again

Wow.

Just two weeks ago I wrote about how the Yankees and the Mets had almost mirror records since the May subway series. After the Mets took two out of three at Shea, they went into the tank, going 8-13. Meanwhile, the Yankees turned around their season with a 14-8 record, including that astounding nine-game winning streak.

Then, the subway series in the Bronx. Yanks take two out of three. And both do a 180.

The Mets have gone 6-3 against a tough stretch of opponents. The Yankees, on the other hand, have gone 1-7 and lost three consecutive series, including four straight losses against the woeful Giants and Orioles. And once again, there are calls for Joe Torre's head.

What would I do to fix this, were I advising George Steinbrenner? (Jennifer -- call me.)

I would humbly present Big Stein with this simple five-point plan.

1. Fire Brian Cashman and Joe Torre. I have made the case against Torre before, so I won't belabor the point. In a nutshell, I think he is a very nice man but not a good manager. A decent manager could win with the talent we had 10 or even five years ago, but not now. Even worse, he's lost this team. Probably lost it a few seasons ago, actually. So you know I'd want Torre gone. But why go after Cash, man? I don't have anything against Ca$hMoney, but I think he and Torre have to go down together. At the end of last season, it could have been just Torre walking the plank, but Cashman did the old Backdraft "You go... we go" manuever. Sorry, Brian -- that didn't work out so well in the movie either. Who replaces them? Well, George, I know your super-duper secret plan is to let Don Mattingly be the manager some day, so you don't want to hire somebody like Joe Girardi who would get in Donnie Baseball's way. On the other hand, you don't want to give Mattingly the job now -- you don't want him inheriting someone else's mess, and also because he's essentially going to be the same low-key, hands-off manager Torre was, and you need to shake things up. So go ahead and give the job to Larry Bowa. If he can't turn the team around, fire his ass. If he gets the team back to the post-season, say nice job -- and then fire him anyway. Hell, you did it to Buck Showalter, and people actually liked Showalter. Either way, Donnie is the manager next year. As for your new GM, well, I do happen to have my resume right here...

2. Dump the dead weight. Did you know Chris Basak is on the 25-man roster? Apparently Torre didn't, either, because he was called up on June 5 and has been in just three games since then -- twice as a defensive replacement in blowouts, and once as a pinch-hitter (for Mike Mussina in San Francisco). Three weeks on the roster, three games, one plate appearance. Who does Joe think this kid is, Moonlight Graham? Put the poor guy on a bus back to Scranton. Next, put Johnny Damon on the D.L. -- he's been hitting .222 (.629 OPS) this month, and that doesn't include his 0-for-4 tonight. He can't play the outfield anymore. What's the point of having him taking up a spot on the roster? Let him get healthy and let Kevin Thompson play some outfield.

3. Find a legitimate first baseman. What kind of a world do we live in where Miguel Cairo is the starting first baseman for the New York Yankees? With Basak in the minors, Cairo goes back to being the utility infielder/team mascot and we get a real first baseman to take Basak's spot on the roster. It doesn't have to be Mark Teixeira or Paul Konerko. If the asking price for those guys is too high, grab whoever's cheap -- Shea Hillenbrand or Ty Wigginton or Dmitri Young or (my personal choice) Scott Hatteberg -- and if worse comes to worst, just call up Shelley Duncan (hitting .302/.388/.585 in Scranton, and how can you not love a guy named Shelley Duncan?) and let him duke it out with Andy Phillips.

4. Reinforce for the bullpen. With Damon on the D.L., call up RP Chris Britton. He has been great in Triple-A (2.25 ERA, 1.22 WHIP, 11 BB, 42 K in 36.0 IP) and wasn't bad for the Orioles last year (3.35 ERA, 1.17 WHIP, 17 BB, 41 K in 53.2 IP). Why has this guy been in Triple-A for three months while the Yankees' bullpen has been exploding? Next, tell Bowa to find out if Ron Villone has anything left -- and if not, cut him. Villone has given up 7 ER, 13 H and 5 BB in 12.0 IP this year, but he's appeared in just 10 games since they called him up from the minors on May 15. He had a two-week stretch in mid-June where Joe didn't use him at all. Well, either get him on track or release him. If we can't trade for a mediocre left-handed veteran on a bad team (Jamie Walker or Ron Mahay or Steve Kline), call up Sean Henn. Why the hell not.

5. Fire John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman. This won't help the Yankees, but it would do so much for the Yankee fans. It's the best way to apologize for the first three months of the season.

Like two ships passing in the night

Would anyone have believed this after last month's subway series?

At the end of that weekend, May 18-20, the Mets were 28-15 after taking two out of three from the Yankees. The Bombers were 19-23.

Since then, the Yankees have gone 14-8, while the Mets have gone 8-13.

And going into tomorrow night's game, the Yankees -- after winning nine straight -- are 33-31. The Mets have lost five in a row, and are now 36-28.

If the Yankees sweep, the two teams will have the same record -- 36-31.

Unbelievable.

At least we found something Joe Torre can do to help the team. Bullpen management, lineup construction and in-game strategy aren't his strong points. But standing in the dugout while the Yankees are batting? He can do that, and apparently, it's been working. Supposedly he started this -- standing on the dugout steps, holding a bat -- during the May 30th game against the Blue Jays, which they won 10-5. Since then, they've gone 12-2.

The way I figure it, both Yankee fans and Met fans would be OK if the Yanks win two and the Mets win one. Of course both sides will say we want a sweep. But realistically, if the Yanks take two, Yankee fans will be happy to win another series and hopefully pick up another game on Boston and Detroit. Met fans will be happy to have ended their losing streak and to not get swept.

Roger Clemens vs. Oliver Perez tomorrow night. Ollie pitched well against the Yankees last month (2 ER, 5 H, 5 K in 7.2 IP). Clemens hasn't faced the Mets since April 2005, but shut them down (0 R, 2 H, 1 BB, 8 K). You'd have to figure this is advantage Yankees. But it is a dangerous game for the Yankees, almost a must-win, because if the Mets win this game, you could reasonably expect them to win two out of three.

Tyler Clippard vs. Tom Glavine on Saturday afternoon. The Yankees did OK against Glavine last time out (3 R, 9 H, 2 BB in 6.0 IP), though he did get the win; Clippard pitched that Sunday night game on ESPN, his MLB debut, and also won (1 R, 3 H, 3 BB, 6.0 IP). Still, you have to figure this game is advantage Mets, and that's why it's so important for the Yankees to win tomorrow.

Orlando Hernandez vs. Chien-Ming Wang on Sunday night (ESPN). El Duque is 0-3 lifetime against the Yankees, but he pitched OK against them last year (2 ER, 7 H, 1 BB, 7 IP). Wang has never faced the Mets before, but has won 3 games in a row (2.08 ERA, 1.11 WHIP in 21.2 IP). Advantage Yankees. Again I almost see this one as a must-win. In fact, if the Yankees don't sweep, they have to win this game and one other game this weekend -- win, lose, win or lose, win, win. If they win the first two but then lose Sunday night, on national TV, blowing their chance for a sweep, it's kind of bittersweet. I want to go into work on Monday coming off a win, not a loss.

In fact, I want to go to work Monday with the same record as the Mets.

What a difference a month makes.

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