I don't want to hate Max Kellerman

I have the good fortune of working an 11-to-7 job, as opposed to 9-to-5, so I get to miss the morning traffic that would turn my 20-minute commute into an hour, but still get home early enough to have dinner or watch a Yankee game.

So during my drive I usually listen to Max Kellerman, who is on ESPN Radio from 10 a.m. to noon. And I really don't want to hate Max Kellerman. He's a young guy, he's sometimes funny, he pays attention to sabermetrics, he's a Yankee fan, he speaks Yiddish, he knows a lot about boxing, he bounced back from a horrifying tragedy, the murder of his 29-year-old brother. I root for Max Kellerman.

But every morning he says something that annoys me. Whether it's comparing Michael Vick's cruelty to dogs to eating breakfast or his inane "Max Kellerman Army" routine or his mind-bogglingly obvious and yet ridiculously stupid observation that if your offense was so good that you never made an out, you could never actually win a baseball game.

So I've come to expect every day that he will say something that will make me frown. And then I sigh to myself, "Aw Max, I don't want to hate you."

Yes, and people in other cars do look at me with pity.

This morning, I was going to let it slide when he said Phil Hughes is already the best starting pitcher in baseball. OK, whatever. Hyperbole from a Yankee fan is acceptable.

No, what annoyed me this morning was his argument that Johnny Damon is a better hitter than Melky Cabrera. Not that Cabrera's career won't be as good as Damon's, or that Damon was a better hitter at age 23 than Cabrera is, or anything like that. No, that at this moment in time, Damon is a better hitter than Cabrera.

Aggravating the annoyance factor: Kellerman came to the right conclusion for the wrong reason. He says that, when Jason Giambi comes back, Melky will be the odd man out.

I agree!

But then Max takes it a step further by saying that Melky should be the one on the bench.

With Giambi back, the Yankees will have four players (Giambi, Damon, Melky and Andy Phillips for three spots (first, center and DH). One of the four has to ride the pine.

Max argues that it should be Melky, saying that Damon is a better center fielder than Giambi is a first baseman, so you're not losing as much defensively by playing Damon in center over Cabrera as you would playing Giambi at first over Phillips.

Yeah, it's kind of like saying you'd rather bang Joan Rivers than Geraldo Rivera. Either way, it's going to be ugly and you're not going to brag about it.

No matter how bad Giambi is, he can still catch balls thrown directly at him by the other infielders, which is 99 percent of a first baseman's job. A good defensive first baseman is a bonus; a bad defensive center fielder is a nightmare. For the defense argument to work, you have to convince me that Damon is an adequate center fielder, and I just don't buy that. But you know what? Let's say he is.

Where Max really lost me is when he said, offensively, Damon is still a better hitter than Cabrera. Melky will be better one day, Max concedes -- saying that Cabrera's career numbers so far compare favorably to Bernie Williams -- but for the rest of this season, you'd rather have Damon hitting than Cabrera.

Huh?


Melky: .291/.348/.409, 14 2B, 5 HR, 9-2 SB in 330 AB
Damon: .247/.347/.344, 16 2B, 5 HR, 19-2 SB in 340 AB


Hm... well, Damon got off to a slow start. Maybe he means recently?


Melky in July: .373/.416/.510, 2 HR, 4-1 SB in 102 AB
Damon in July: .237/.370/.309, 0 HR, 6-2 SB in 97 AB


All right. Maybe he means lefty/righty?


Melky: .267/.342/.366 vs LHP, .301/.350/.428 vs RHP
Damon: .268/.345/.340 vs LHP, .239/.347/.346 vs RHP


I arrived at work and missed the end of the great Melky/Johnny debate, so maybe Kellerman had some brilliant point about how you can't look at the statistics. Maybe he said, "Yes, I know Cabrera has been better to this point this season, but he's just a kid and could fall apart. Damon, on the other hand, is a veteran hitter with a tremendous body of work who is bound to start hitting better over the last two months of the season." But now you've left the realm of the objective.

Yes, Damon could come around. Cabrera could fall on his face. Or not. One guy is turning 23 and the other turning 34. The last two months could be a fluke, but it's not like it would be unexpected for Cabrera to get better and Damon to get worse at their respective ages.

And yet after all that, what really annoys me to no end is that Kellerman is right. Cabrera will be on the bench and Damon will be in center field.

Why? Because Joe Torre loves veterans. That's all there is to it. He'll do his best to get Cabrera into games by giving outfielders a day off or giving Giambi the occasional start at first base, but barring an injury, I think you'll see more of Damon than you will of Cabrera from here on out. This is exactly why I didn't want the Yankees to bring Bernie back, because Torre would have found a way to play him every day no matter what.

What would I do? I'd have Cabrera in center and Phillips at first, with Damon and Giambi sharing the DH role depending on the match-up, maybe benching Phillips and stomaching Giambi at first if you're facing a tough righty. But that might ruffle some feathers, and Torre doesn't do that to his guys. Cabrera can wait 'til next year.

But c'mon, Max. Don't pretend to be a sabermetrics guy if you won't look at numbers.

Hey ESPN... Jack THIS

Does anyone actually watch the Home Run Derby? I'm just glad I don't have Vlad Guerrero in any of my rotisserie leagues after watching how David Wright got screwed up after he finish second last year, and seeing what happened to Bobby Abreu's power after he won it in 2005.

But then again, maybe there's nothing to this Home Run Derby curse. After all, Ryan Howard won it last year and he's still mashing (he had a rough start, but has had 16 HRs since May 27).

Actually, guys like Howard and Jim Thome and David Ortiz should live for Home Run Derbies, because they can pull every pitch and not have to worry about the infield shift. I mean, I'm not a baseball analyst or anything, but maybe, just maybe, pure hitters like Abreu and Wright shouldn't be entering home-run hitting contests? Does that make sense to anybody?

Anyway, the answer to my question is -- no one watches the Home Run Derby. Hey, it is the only major professional sporting event on TV last night, and I'm flipping around watching The Sopranos re-runs on A&E.

First off, the Home Run Derby is boring. Second, Chris Berman is an ass-hat these days. Third, ESPN makes it unwatchable with all the bullshit.

If they think it's such a great event, why do they have Barry Bonds and Alex Rodriguez talking over it? The five people who actually care about the derby must have loved hearing A-Rod for the billionth time dance around whether he'll opt out of his contract while Albert Pujols is up there taking his cuts. It's just Pujols, right?

Oh, what's the difference, FOX and ESPN assume you don't want to watch what's happening on the field even during real games.

"So here it is, top of the third, no score. Oh, and let's bring Sean Astin into the booth. (first pitch, low and outside, apparently called a strike) So Sean, I understand you're in a baseball movie, The Final Season. When's that coming out? (second pitch, maybe a little high, apparently called a ball) So you're in this movie with Tom Arnold. Who smelled worse, Tom or Gollum? (batter fouls one off) Heh heh, yes, of course. (split screen to show, indeed, the announcer is talking to Sean Astin.) Now also in this movie is Rachael Leigh Cook, she must smell better than either one of them, am I right? (fourth pitch is high and tight, apparently called a ball) Is she a better kisser than that walrus in 50 First Dates?"

Yeah, great. Not that I actually want to watch the game or anything. Even better is when they shrink the size of the game you're watching to a picture-in-picture so I can see Bonds take six straight pitches. Now that is exciting. Hm, someone in the game I'm actually watching actually hit the ball, well, I'm sure they'll get back to that in a moment. I'd hate to miss Bonds flinging off his elbow guard in disgust.

Bud Selig was worried that nobody was watching the All-Star Game anymore, so he stupidly changed the rules so that the home field advantage for the World Series is determined by who wins tonight. "Now it counts!"

Bud, not to be a stickler for language or anything, but do you know what "exhibition game" means?

Look, if you want people to pay attention to the All-Star Game, have the stats count toward their regular season totals. Hell, make them worth double. Everyone with a rotisserie team will not only watch the game, they'll be voting like crazy to get those extra numbers.

Hey, do the same thing with the Home Run Derby. Vlad had 14 home runs in the first half, and 17 home runs last night in the derby. Guess what? Now he has 31 home runs this season! Hope you had him in your Yahoo league! And Alex Rios, 17 home runs in the first half, 27 last night? Forty-four dingers so far this year, baby! Hey, only 30 more to beat Bonds for the single-season record.

It's a win-win all around.

Proctor gets torched

Yankee reliever Scott Proctor burned his glove, cap and spikes yesterday after the A's lit him up for three runs on three hits in a third of an inning.

"I burned everything, the whole bit," Proctor said as he left Yankee Stadium. "I've done it before when things have gone bad. When I needed a change."

Some sources say Proctor burned his uniform; Proctor told the New York Post that's not true -- not that he didn't want to. "I'd burn my uniform if I wouldn't get in trouble for it."

You know what? I was never a big Proctor fan before, but I like him now. At least he seems to give a crap.

The Post's Michael Morrissey sniped, "And to think, it seemed Kyle Farnsworth was extreme for throwing his glove on Friday night."

But there's a big difference. Farnsworth-less threw a temper tantrum in front of the cameras when Joe Torre called on Mariano Rivera with two outs in the 8th. Now, given Mo just might be the greatest closer in the history of baseball, who the hell is Farnsworth to bitch about coming out? It's not like Torre pulled him for Charlie Brown. And a guy who has had three 1-2-3 innings this year -- that's right, just three 1-2-3 innings all year long -- and a 4.88 ERA and 1.66 WHIP has no right to complain about anything.

It was the second time in a week the cameras caught Farnsworth pitching a fit after getting pulled from a game. Just another sign Torre has lost control of this team.

Proctor, on the other hand, did his little pyro performance after the game, after the cameras were off. Even his teammates had already gone home.

Probably the only reason anybody heard about it is because some sportswriters were still hanging around in the press box, smelled something burning, and saw Proctor was doing some weekend grilling on the field in front of the Yankee dugout. And unlike Farnsworth, who refused to talk to reporters about his crybaby routines, Proctor manned up, joked about it and moved on.

I feel you, Prock. You can come over for a barbecue anytime you want.