Hey ESPN... Jack THIS

Does anyone actually watch the Home Run Derby? I'm just glad I don't have Vlad Guerrero in any of my rotisserie leagues after watching how David Wright got screwed up after he finish second last year, and seeing what happened to Bobby Abreu's power after he won it in 2005.

But then again, maybe there's nothing to this Home Run Derby curse. After all, Ryan Howard won it last year and he's still mashing (he had a rough start, but has had 16 HRs since May 27).

Actually, guys like Howard and Jim Thome and David Ortiz should live for Home Run Derbies, because they can pull every pitch and not have to worry about the infield shift. I mean, I'm not a baseball analyst or anything, but maybe, just maybe, pure hitters like Abreu and Wright shouldn't be entering home-run hitting contests? Does that make sense to anybody?

Anyway, the answer to my question is -- no one watches the Home Run Derby. Hey, it is the only major professional sporting event on TV last night, and I'm flipping around watching The Sopranos re-runs on A&E.

First off, the Home Run Derby is boring. Second, Chris Berman is an ass-hat these days. Third, ESPN makes it unwatchable with all the bullshit.

If they think it's such a great event, why do they have Barry Bonds and Alex Rodriguez talking over it? The five people who actually care about the derby must have loved hearing A-Rod for the billionth time dance around whether he'll opt out of his contract while Albert Pujols is up there taking his cuts. It's just Pujols, right?

Oh, what's the difference, FOX and ESPN assume you don't want to watch what's happening on the field even during real games.

"So here it is, top of the third, no score. Oh, and let's bring Sean Astin into the booth. (first pitch, low and outside, apparently called a strike) So Sean, I understand you're in a baseball movie, The Final Season. When's that coming out? (second pitch, maybe a little high, apparently called a ball) So you're in this movie with Tom Arnold. Who smelled worse, Tom or Gollum? (batter fouls one off) Heh heh, yes, of course. (split screen to show, indeed, the announcer is talking to Sean Astin.) Now also in this movie is Rachael Leigh Cook, she must smell better than either one of them, am I right? (fourth pitch is high and tight, apparently called a ball) Is she a better kisser than that walrus in 50 First Dates?"

Yeah, great. Not that I actually want to watch the game or anything. Even better is when they shrink the size of the game you're watching to a picture-in-picture so I can see Bonds take six straight pitches. Now that is exciting. Hm, someone in the game I'm actually watching actually hit the ball, well, I'm sure they'll get back to that in a moment. I'd hate to miss Bonds flinging off his elbow guard in disgust.

Bud Selig was worried that nobody was watching the All-Star Game anymore, so he stupidly changed the rules so that the home field advantage for the World Series is determined by who wins tonight. "Now it counts!"

Bud, not to be a stickler for language or anything, but do you know what "exhibition game" means?

Look, if you want people to pay attention to the All-Star Game, have the stats count toward their regular season totals. Hell, make them worth double. Everyone with a rotisserie team will not only watch the game, they'll be voting like crazy to get those extra numbers.

Hey, do the same thing with the Home Run Derby. Vlad had 14 home runs in the first half, and 17 home runs last night in the derby. Guess what? Now he has 31 home runs this season! Hope you had him in your Yahoo league! And Alex Rios, 17 home runs in the first half, 27 last night? Forty-four dingers so far this year, baby! Hey, only 30 more to beat Bonds for the single-season record.

It's a win-win all around.