Mark Cuban's pipe dream

Mark Cuban says he wants another sports franchise. And to do it, he's going to get in on the ground floor of another pro football league, the UFL.

Hey, Mark? Maybe you didn't hear, but they tried this a few years ago. It's understandable if you missed it, because the XFL lasted just three months in 2001. Perhaps you'd like to bid on this sweet Rod "He Hate Me" Smart rookie card from the Las Vegas Outlaws? (It's funny that the eBay seller makes a big deal about this being a "rookie card." It was the first and only year of the league! They were all rookies!)

But I would've thought for sure at some point you rubbed elbows with fellow whiney rich guy Donald Trump, and he would've mentioned that he too once owned a professional sports team. Maybe you thought, when he said he owned the New Jersey Generals, he was talking about a couple apartment buildings in Hoboken. Well, actually, it was a football team. The USFL lasted from 1982 to 1985. Did you miss it? Maybe you weren't into sports at the time. But I see from your wiki biography you were a bartender in Dallas in 1982, and there wasn't a franchise in Dallas, so maybe you hadn't heard about it. I'm not sure how many fans of the Houston Gamblers or San Antonio Gunslingers would have gone to Dallas, so maybe you just missed it.

Speaking of your wiki biography, it says you lived in a three-bedroom apartment with five roommates. Do you keep up with those guys? Did you ever track down that one roommate who always gets stiffed on the phone deposit and finally kick in your $20?

Anyway, noting that you were born in 1958, that would've made you 16 years old when the World Football League was founded. Portland Storm? Detroit Wheels? Any of this sound at all familiar? That league only lasted a year and a half, but you know, as a teenager who would grow up to be a sports team owner, I figured you would've heard of it. Larry Csonka and Jim Kiick? Anything?

One thing about the World Football League -- what an odd collection of team names. I mean, the Philadelphia Bell? WTF? Your team is a Bell? I know, the Liberty Bell and all that, but come on. Shreveport Steamer -- I can't imagine any team calling themselves a "Steamer" anymore. But then you've got the Houston Texans (now an NFL team), the Chicago Fire (now an MLS team) and the Charlotte Hornets and the Memphis Grizzlies (later NBA teams).

Anyway, back to the United Football League. Yes, those leagues folded. But, Mark says, our idea is unique: We're going to play football on Friday night, and we're not going to try to compete with the NFL for first-round draft picks!

So, let me get this straight. You're going to show your games on the worst night of the week for pro sports, and you're going to guarantee you have crappy players?

(Yes, every year there's a late-rounder who becomes a good player, or even a Hall of Famer. But for every Tom Brady, there's a dozen guys you never heard of because they sucked.)

Now all three of those leagues I mentioned above tried to do what the AFL did when it was founded, which is to get merged with the NFL. And when it became obvious the NFL wasn't interested in merging, the league went belly-up.

And that's what this is all about, right, Mark? You're going to get some press about starting a franchise in Las Vegas, maybe get a couple other guys with more money than brains to join as well, all the while hoping to pressure the league into letting you buy the Arizona Cardinals or something.

Well, what can we say... yeah, good luck with that. Hopefully your league will be as successful as Arena Football or NFL Europe.

My advice, if you want to hire me as a consultant: Get the people who play fantasy football interested. Come up with cool team names that don't make 12-year-old boys giggle. Convince the oddsmakers to come up with interesting side-bets, like how many times you'll jump up and scream "THAT'S NOT HOLDING!" at the refs.

But if you really want a new sports franchise, I have two words for you:

Jennifer Steinbrenner.

Big Stein is looking for a new crown prince, and you're looking for a new team. And what better team than the most famous franchise in sports history?

I know you're already married (and apparenty very protective of your new bride), but hey, this is business, not personal. Or maybe you can get a Big Love-type thing going on.

Good luck!